شنبه 1 مارس 2014

باابن خندون

یکی از عوامل تعیین کننده در رفتارهای انتخاباتی هم‌میهنان ما، برداشت‌های صحیح و غلطی‌‌اند که آنان از جریان‌ها و گرایش‌های تأثیرگذار سیاسی و اجتماعی در فصل انتخابات […]

یکی از عوامل تعیین کننده در رفتارهای انتخاباتی هم‌میهنان ما، برداشت‌های صحیح و غلطی‌‌اند که آنان از جریان‌ها و گرایش‌های تأثیرگذار سیاسی و اجتماعی در فصل انتخابات دارند. متأسفانه بسیاری از مردم فکر می‌کنند که فقط همین سه هزار و چهار صد و شصت و هفت حزب مشهور در کشور بر سرنوشت ملت تأثیر می‌گذارند. من سعی می‌کنم در روزهای قبل از انتخابات بخشی از جریان‌ها و گرایش‌هایی را معرفی کنم که هرچند با نام و نشان رسمی و لوگو و دفتر و دستک مشهور نیستند، اما بیش از هر حزب نام‌داری تأثیر‌گذار‌ند:
جریان چپ‌گرا (به ضم چ):
اعضای این گروه در همه حال خاموش‌اند. اگر کسی گفت‌ ملت ما موش است، خاموش‌اند. اگر کسی گفت ما شغالیم، خاموش‌اند. اگر کسی گفت من در دهن شما خروج می‌کنم، خاموش‌اند. اعضای این جریان علاقه‌ی زیادی به سنگ نوشته‌های عصر نوح بابا دارند و در پیدا کردن معانی دقیق واژگان غژپاوند، چیگیرپاق، گلنتشپاوچی و ساگوچکیناغه استاد‌ند.
جریان باشیست‌ها:
اعضای این جریان تعهد شدیدی به شعار «باش ببینیم چه می‌شود» دارند. این گروه در طی پنج‌دهه‌ی اخیر ۹۰۰۰ نفر از رهبران خود را در راه رهایی‌بخش مکتب «باشیسم» قربانی داده‌اند. گفته می‌شود ثبات سیاسی- اجتماعی درخشان نیم قرن اخیر افغانستان عمدتا مدیون فلسفه‌ی سیاسی این جریان بوده است.
گروه برادران آه‌کش:
بیش‌تر افراد این گروه شاعران دل‌سوخته‌ای هستند که هر‌چه سعی می‌کنند، فتیله‌ی حب‌الوطن خود را قدری پایین بکشند، نمی‌شود. بارزترین ویژ‌گی اعضای این جریان، این است که به دل‌گیرترین پدیده‌های سیاست روز نیز از پشت منشور رنگین خیال آه‌ناک خویش نگاه می‌کنند و از این طریق مثلا می‌توانند هزار تکه پلاستیک گندیده‌ی افتاده در بحر ِ کابل را به گلستانی از یاسمن و شقایق تبدیل کنند. نمونه‌ی کلام:
«آه‌! ای کاندیدای بلبل صدا!
ای تکنوکرات مغموم!
بر لوژستیک ستاد انتخاباتی‌ات چه رفت
که در ساعت پنج عصر
هنوز نانِ چاشت‌مان نرسیده؟
مگر از رستورانت «نگین آسیا»
تا این‌جا
چقدر راه است؟
آه! پیش از آن‌که در اسید معده غرقه شوم
زنگی بزن!»

فرقه‌ی استدلاریون:
استدلار در لغت به معنای استدلالِ معطوف به «طلب دالر» است. اعضای این فرقه بیش‌تر تحصیل کرد‌گان حوزه‌های علمیه هستند و بر‌خلاف ظاهر‌ ریش‌‌اندودشان، در عرصه‌ی استدلارِ اصولی مهارت به‌سزایی دارند. در مرام‌نامه‌ی این فرقه‌ی سیاسی چنین آمده است:
«عقل سلیم حکم می‌کند که احوط آن است که بقاپیم، ولو در چین باشد».
شورای رهبری این جریان به اعضای خود هدایت داده است که در مواجهه با پیروان دیگر فرقه‌های سیاسی همواره از استدلار و جدال احسن کار بگیرند. به اعتقاد اکثر ناظران، حضور این جریان در شرایط بحرانی صدساله‌ی کنونی کشور ما یک بحبوحه‌ی تاریخی به شمار می‌آید.

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